It’s official, the best place to have an ultimate tournament is Oahu, Hawaii. I have been to tournaments in every US time zone, Mexico, Canada, and the ultimate ultimate experience has to be the Kaimana Klassik. I just had myself a pretty sick nasty weekend in the sun and I thought I would share some details about my experience.
I thought I would start off by giving a run down of a few teams of interest.
First and foremost, the best team at this tourney (aside from my own) had to be my boys from Texas. These guys are spectacular. Skip, Natali, Matty, Wheels, Mars(?), and the rest of the boys from the “yee-ha” state are pocket Aces. My cousin Alex has told me about how badass they are for some time, but I didn’t know for sure. If there was a crowd that could match my flare, my stories, my social exploits, and could show me a better time than I could show them, it would have to be the Austin crew. I am glad Billings, Ross and Hartwell already knew some of them, but we were blood brothers before we even played our game against them first thing Saturday morning. Some hilarious comments included, “I want to make an enemy tonight” (Skip), “I’m distracting aren’t I” (Mars), “Ok Match, let’s get belligerent” (Matty), and “Dude, I forgot that I took a weed brownie this morning” (anonymous). I would love to tell ya’ll about our escapades, but yeah, not here. All I can say is that I will be saddling up with them in a month at Centex and if anyone wants a good time, look for a bunch of tall drunken cowboys and a red head. Oh and Mars, accept my Facebook request so we can work out that three way deal with my colt jersey and the XL blue lone star long sleeve. I might just end up buying it when I get to Austin but I’ll send you a fresh jersey once I get back to the Have.
Yeah, so this team was the all-star squad. They were probably the most fun team to watch and it sucked that they lost in semis. Notable players were Ben Wiggins, Josh Greenough, John “Kid” Hammond, Parker Krugg, Adam “Chicken” Simon, Andrew Fleming, and that’s about all I can remember right now. I will say that I kinda liked seeing Kid pull a Chris Webber time out move against Ono because it let me know that even the best players make mistakes. I will say that I kind of went over board on bugging him, sorry. He is just so distracting, what with the whole kimono/Paule Shore look-a-like/I’m so good at ultimate I can play wearing a bunch of crap/tight T-shirt antics. If you don’t want attention, don’t go out of your way to draw it. He is a spectacular player though, great D, very dynamic offensive presence, and hugantic running strides. The guy moves like a cheetah.
I also want to take this opportunity to poke some fun at these guys since I massage their egos enough and I actually got a chance to see them interact in real life as opposed to just on the field. First off, wow, way to act like a bunch of high school football heroes. The whole white jumpsuits at the party was a little suspect. Way to go out of your way to make yourselves try and look really cool in a Saved by the Bell sort of way. Well, the teal Ono collard shirts were much worse, but still, you guys looked like you were from Terminix. Also, Chicken’s Carson Daly-esk MC-ing during the dance off had me scratching my head. Manisha "Slap" Daryani's dance moves definitely helped distract me from how pink and pretty Mr. Simon is (side note: it really sucks that Slap got a ginormic concussion putting her on vomit duty during the women’s finals. Had she, Becky, and that girl that destroyed her leg, played in the finals, it would have been a much closer game). I will say it was a pleasure playing against him and the rest of Voltron despite the fact that they spanked us in quarters. I think most folks are aware Chicken is a premier handler, but I was really impressed with his D. Also, thanks guys for printing Voltron hats in blue, it’s my favorite color. You wouldn't think the last 15 seconds of this video would be inspiring but, who’s the savy veteran now?
Hey and ulti arnie, you never told me what your nickname means. You played really well and I hope I get the chance to see you and the rest of NC State this spring.
HA! This is too easy. Let me just say, Air Squids 1, Black Tide 0.
As far as actual ultimate goes, these boys definitely did not disappoint. I wasn’t in Goleta last month for Santa Barbara Invite, but the undergrads really did well this weekend. They started off really slow against the Japanese team winning a squeaker 11-9, but after getting their shit together, they really kicked ass and made semis. Sherwood is a stud, Ezra is a sick deep, and Schlag is as badass as his last name. I wish I could have seen Tom James play more, but he sat out most of our game. We played them in power pools and I was really stoked to get the chance to play against a team I have been following for so long. High points were me NOT getting D’d by Derek Frome despite his extremely tight/physical man D. Low points were my heckling (I sucked this game) and the fact that we lost. Their offense was really crisp and our team, despite a ton of talent, had trouble converting on O because we had never played with each other. In addition, it was really nice to meet Ryan “The Pulse” Thompson. He is a good guy and it sucks that he couldn’t play because of a broken arm.
This team was fun to watch because they were basically the Stanford talent of yester year, in addition to some bay area guys. Wiseman played a great game in the finals and the punk ass cost me a sourdough jack and two tacos. Thanks to his like 11 scores, I had to buy a drunk as fuck Protik 3 Big Macs instead of him buying me some Jack in the Box goodies I can’t get in New Haven. It was also cool seeing Mike Payne (Skeletor, Revolver, Jam, Stanford) line up against Steve Dugan (Ono, Condors, UCSB). I hope they swapped digits after all their marking contact. Skeletor definitely made the finals exciting after letting Ono creep up on them to tie it at 14’s after they had a 14-12 lead. I think the best thing about this game was that it was a semblance of the old rivalry between UCSB and Stanford. Back in the 90’s these teams were both at the top at the same time and I am sure players like Greg “Hollywood” Husak (Ono) and Mike Payne have no love lost over the last 10-15 years. The best heckle from our group during the finals was the Kevin Cissna movie chants. Every time he got the disc we would yell out a different Brad Pitt movie and while I didn’t initiate it, I definitely dropped Thelma and Louise first.
I couldn’t talk about teams without mentioning my own. What I thought would be a San Diego squad was mostly Mischief and Shazaam players. We had some great handlers, some great cutters, some great defenders, and great overall teammates. Here are a few things that I liked about my team, or I just thought were funny/cool:
1) Leetch, you could totally be a pretty boy douche bag and you aren’t. Thanks for being a lot of fun and I really enjoyed playing with you.
2) I ran into a guy I played with at Acapulco (Jeremy Clark) before games started and we were both happy to see each other and he mentioned that Cole (another friend from Mexico last year) was at the tournament as well. I was stoked and looked forward to crossing paths with him. Needless to say, the guy was actually on my team and I didn’t know it yet. HA! We had fun.
3) After the tournament ended, I got the chance to tell Brett Kolinek from Bravo/Colorado State that I hated him when I was a squid and he played for Hibida. I told him why and we both laughed at a story that is now ancient history. People, get used to liking all ultimate players because you never know when they will be your teammate some day.
5) Protik and Becky are two of the best people I have ever met. Pro let me play for Almos Pau and he and his wife Becky basically babysat me the whole weekend. They shuttled me to and from the airport, let me stay at their house, hooked me up with showers/food/greenery, and were just good friends. Oh and did I mention I had never met them before? Gotta love ultimate players.
The whole team was a ton of fun and not only were we fun, but we were good. We went 3-1 in pool play and managed to battle back and beat the Doughboys (Australia) on double game point to make quarters. I wish I had actually caught this fucking disc, but later I managed to call a game saving pick that got us one of the breaks we needed to win the game.
My Gripes
So this tournament was fun but there are some things that I want to bitch about and since it’s my blog, I am going to say whatever I want.
First, the fields are HARSH. My joints look like burger right now. They are like playing in a thorny bush. Yikes. My scratches were definitely excessive and not the norm, but when you are stuck indoors for 5 months, you are going to take every bid opportunity you can. It was worth it.
The food was ehh. The only stuff that was actually good was the pig you had to buy for lunch everyday. That stuff was legit and only 5 bucks. Dinners were forgettable though. Weird Mexican stuff with processed nacho cheese? Meat paste egg rolls? Whatever the hell that salad stuff was? However, there was a TON of free liquids including copious amounts of booze, juice, Gatorade, and coffee. That made things extremely helpful in battling the blistering heat and getting hjammered (no typo) come party time.
Hippy bullshit. This has been bugging me for a long time and I am going to bring it up now. I am so god damn tired of the PC/green peace/sensitive crap associated with ultimate players. COME ON!! Yes I am a male, yes I am heterosexual, and yes I want to eat meat. In the food line, the first thing asked was not “chicken or beef?”, it wasn’t “pig or fish?”, it was “are you vegetarian?”. Really? Since when did eating meat become this unpopular? We have been doing it for a million years and now it’s a crime against nature? It’s an unhealthy lifestyle? It’s unsustainable? You guys are almost as bad as the Atkins nuts. Maybe I am just part of a sport that has a lot of green minded people and I suppose that is ok. It’s like being a Pink Floyd fan as well as a stoner, but I am going to bitch anyway.
Yeah and after the finals, I sucked it up and my drunk ass stayed and picked up trash. Most folks left but I was a contributor to the mess and I wanted to do my part. I walked around for like 20 minutes rounding up garbage. However, when I went over to the stockpile I got frowns because I didn’t separate the recyclables from the non-recyclables. Are you fucking serious? Have you ever been to a sporting event or concert? Large groups of people don’t pick up after themselves. That is why people are paid to pick up trash. Get used to it. And when someone actually sacks up and does pick up after themselves, you are going to give them shit for not sorting it? I was pissed, but drunk, so I probably overreacted. But come on!
And the whole sex thing, yes I sometimes use words like “raped”, yes I am going to draw attention to hot women in ultimate (in what I believe to be a respectful manner) and yes I like to tell offensive stories/jokes. Sorry, I really enjoy having that Y chromosome and I act like I have a pair. I try and keep it clean here but have any of you ever let yourselves laugh? I am having a kick ass time in my 20’s and securing a topnotch future in the process, not to mention entertaining some people in the process. I’m not going to be like this in 20 years (I hope?) but I will have the satisfaction that I did it right when I was young and I am not going to be a 40-something in a midlife crisis because I haven’t had any fun. Folks, it’s called age appropriate behavior. Enjoy life and don’t be a BUZZ KILL!! For help, watch more Family Guy and less Lifetime.
(I am probably barking up the wrong tree and I am going to get a lot of “Get used to it Match” but god, no wonder people make fun of our game and call it things like “fag-toss”. Not my words, so don’t give me that homophobic crap.)
Closing Thoughts
In any event, I loved Kaimana. I am not much of a camper because my dad drank and sucked at taking care of his sons, so I was a bit unprepared, but I had a great time none the less. I hope to return in 2009 with more friends than enemies, but we’ll have to wait and see. Thank you to the TD crew, you guys run a hell of tournament and I can see why the best in the world come all the way to your polo fields to rock out under the sun. Thank you to my team organizers (Pro and Ross) as well as our team mom (Becky), you gave me something I have wanted for a long time. Thank you to my Texas homies, you made this weekend unreal. Thanks Billings for being Billings. Thanks Hartwell for being a friend when you should have been one 3 years ago. Thank you to my teammates, you let a fat red head enjoy ultimate he can’t get in Connecticut. Thanks to anyone that laughs at my spittle and doesn’t toss too much shit at me when I unload it all over the place. And thank you for taking the time to read this, I am nothing without my audience.
Next stop Paganello?
just my thoughts
match diesel
