It’s official, the best place to have an ultimate tournament is Oahu, Hawaii. I have been to tournaments in every US time zone, Mexico, Canada, and the ultimate ultimate experience has to be the Kaimana Klassik. I just had myself a pretty sick nasty weekend in the sun and I thought I would share some details about my experience.
I thought I would start off by giving a run down of a few teams of interest.
First and foremost, the best team at this tourney (aside from my own) had to be my boys from Texas. These guys are spectacular. Skip, Natali, Matty, Wheels, Mars(?), and the rest of the boys from the “yee-ha” state are pocket Aces. My cousin Alex has told me about how badass they are for some time, but I didn’t know for sure. If there was a crowd that could match my flare, my stories, my social exploits, and could show me a better time than I could show them, it would have to be the Austin crew. I am glad Billings, Ross and Hartwell already knew some of them, but we were blood brothers before we even played our game against them first thing Saturday morning. Some hilarious comments included, “I want to make an enemy tonight” (Skip), “I’m distracting aren’t I” (Mars), “Ok Match, let’s get belligerent” (Matty), and “Dude, I forgot that I took a weed brownie this morning” (anonymous). I would love to tell ya’ll about our escapades, but yeah, not here. All I can say is that I will be saddling up with them in a month at Centex and if anyone wants a good time, look for a bunch of tall drunken cowboys and a red head. Oh and Mars, accept my Facebook request so we can work out that three way deal with my colt jersey and the XL blue lone star long sleeve. I might just end up buying it when I get to Austin but I’ll send you a fresh jersey once I get back to the Have.
Yeah, so this team was the all-star squad. They were probably the most fun team to watch and it sucked that they lost in semis. Notable players were Ben Wiggins, Josh Greenough, John “Kid” Hammond, Parker Krugg, Adam “Chicken” Simon, Andrew Fleming, and that’s about all I can remember right now. I will say that I kinda liked seeing Kid pull a Chris Webber time out move against Ono because it let me know that even the best players make mistakes. I will say that I kind of went over board on bugging him, sorry. He is just so distracting, what with the whole kimono/Paule Shore look-a-like/I’m so good at ultimate I can play wearing a bunch of crap/tight T-shirt antics. If you don’t want attention, don’t go out of your way to draw it. He is a spectacular player though, great D, very dynamic offensive presence, and hugantic running strides. The guy moves like a cheetah.
I also want to take this opportunity to poke some fun at these guys since I massage their egos enough and I actually got a chance to see them interact in real life as opposed to just on the field. First off, wow, way to act like a bunch of high school football heroes. The whole white jumpsuits at the party was a little suspect. Way to go out of your way to make yourselves try and look really cool in a Saved by the Bell sort of way. Well, the teal Ono collard shirts were much worse, but still, you guys looked like you were from Terminix. Also, Chicken’s Carson Daly-esk MC-ing during the dance off had me scratching my head. Manisha "Slap" Daryani's dance moves definitely helped distract me from how pink and pretty Mr. Simon is (side note: it really sucks that Slap got a ginormic concussion putting her on vomit duty during the women’s finals. Had she, Becky, and that girl that destroyed her leg, played in the finals, it would have been a much closer game). I will say it was a pleasure playing against him and the rest of Voltron despite the fact that they spanked us in quarters. I think most folks are aware Chicken is a premier handler, but I was really impressed with his D. Also, thanks guys for printing Voltron hats in blue, it’s my favorite color. You wouldn't think the last 15 seconds of this video would be inspiring but, who’s the savy veteran now?
Hey and ulti arnie, you never told me what your nickname means. You played really well and I hope I get the chance to see you and the rest of NC State this spring.
HA! This is too easy. Let me just say, Air Squids 1, Black Tide 0.
As far as actual ultimate goes, these boys definitely did not disappoint. I wasn’t in Goleta last month for Santa Barbara Invite, but the undergrads really did well this weekend. They started off really slow against the Japanese team winning a squeaker 11-9, but after getting their shit together, they really kicked ass and made semis. Sherwood is a stud, Ezra is a sick deep, and Schlag is as badass as his last name. I wish I could have seen Tom James play more, but he sat out most of our game. We played them in power pools and I was really stoked to get the chance to play against a team I have been following for so long. High points were me NOT getting D’d by Derek Frome despite his extremely tight/physical man D. Low points were my heckling (I sucked this game) and the fact that we lost. Their offense was really crisp and our team, despite a ton of talent, had trouble converting on O because we had never played with each other. In addition, it was really nice to meet Ryan “The Pulse” Thompson. He is a good guy and it sucks that he couldn’t play because of a broken arm.
This team was fun to watch because they were basically the Stanford talent of yester year, in addition to some bay area guys. Wiseman played a great game in the finals and the punk ass cost me a sourdough jack and two tacos. Thanks to his like 11 scores, I had to buy a drunk as fuck Protik 3 Big Macs instead of him buying me some Jack in the Box goodies I can’t get in New Haven. It was also cool seeing Mike Payne (Skeletor, Revolver, Jam, Stanford) line up against Steve Dugan (Ono, Condors, UCSB). I hope they swapped digits after all their marking contact. Skeletor definitely made the finals exciting after letting Ono creep up on them to tie it at 14’s after they had a 14-12 lead. I think the best thing about this game was that it was a semblance of the old rivalry between UCSB and Stanford. Back in the 90’s these teams were both at the top at the same time and I am sure players like Greg “Hollywood” Husak (Ono) and Mike Payne have no love lost over the last 10-15 years. The best heckle from our group during the finals was the Kevin Cissna movie chants. Every time he got the disc we would yell out a different Brad Pitt movie and while I didn’t initiate it, I definitely dropped Thelma and Louise first.
I couldn’t talk about teams without mentioning my own. What I thought would be a San Diego squad was mostly Mischief and Shazaam players. We had some great handlers, some great cutters, some great defenders, and great overall teammates. Here are a few things that I liked about my team, or I just thought were funny/cool:
1) Leetch, you could totally be a pretty boy douche bag and you aren’t. Thanks for being a lot of fun and I really enjoyed playing with you.
2) I ran into a guy I played with at Acapulco (Jeremy Clark) before games started and we were both happy to see each other and he mentioned that Cole (another friend from Mexico last year) was at the tournament as well. I was stoked and looked forward to crossing paths with him. Needless to say, the guy was actually on my team and I didn’t know it yet. HA! We had fun.
3) After the tournament ended, I got the chance to tell Brett Kolinek from Bravo/Colorado State that I hated him when I was a squid and he played for Hibida. I told him why and we both laughed at a story that is now ancient history. People, get used to liking all ultimate players because you never know when they will be your teammate some day.
5) Protik and Becky are two of the best people I have ever met. Pro let me play for Almos Pau and he and his wife Becky basically babysat me the whole weekend. They shuttled me to and from the airport, let me stay at their house, hooked me up with showers/food/greenery, and were just good friends. Oh and did I mention I had never met them before? Gotta love ultimate players.
The whole team was a ton of fun and not only were we fun, but we were good. We went 3-1 in pool play and managed to battle back and beat the Doughboys (Australia) on double game point to make quarters. I wish I had actually caught this fucking disc, but later I managed to call a game saving pick that got us one of the breaks we needed to win the game.
My Gripes
So this tournament was fun but there are some things that I want to bitch about and since it’s my blog, I am going to say whatever I want.
First, the fields are HARSH. My joints look like burger right now. They are like playing in a thorny bush. Yikes. My scratches were definitely excessive and not the norm, but when you are stuck indoors for 5 months, you are going to take every bid opportunity you can. It was worth it.
The food was ehh. The only stuff that was actually good was the pig you had to buy for lunch everyday. That stuff was legit and only 5 bucks. Dinners were forgettable though. Weird Mexican stuff with processed nacho cheese? Meat paste egg rolls? Whatever the hell that salad stuff was? However, there was a TON of free liquids including copious amounts of booze, juice, Gatorade, and coffee. That made things extremely helpful in battling the blistering heat and getting hjammered (no typo) come party time.
Hippy bullshit. This has been bugging me for a long time and I am going to bring it up now. I am so god damn tired of the PC/green peace/sensitive crap associated with ultimate players. COME ON!! Yes I am a male, yes I am heterosexual, and yes I want to eat meat. In the food line, the first thing asked was not “chicken or beef?”, it wasn’t “pig or fish?”, it was “are you vegetarian?”. Really? Since when did eating meat become this unpopular? We have been doing it for a million years and now it’s a crime against nature? It’s an unhealthy lifestyle? It’s unsustainable? You guys are almost as bad as the Atkins nuts. Maybe I am just part of a sport that has a lot of green minded people and I suppose that is ok. It’s like being a Pink Floyd fan as well as a stoner, but I am going to bitch anyway.
Yeah and after the finals, I sucked it up and my drunk ass stayed and picked up trash. Most folks left but I was a contributor to the mess and I wanted to do my part. I walked around for like 20 minutes rounding up garbage. However, when I went over to the stockpile I got frowns because I didn’t separate the recyclables from the non-recyclables. Are you fucking serious? Have you ever been to a sporting event or concert? Large groups of people don’t pick up after themselves. That is why people are paid to pick up trash. Get used to it. And when someone actually sacks up and does pick up after themselves, you are going to give them shit for not sorting it? I was pissed, but drunk, so I probably overreacted. But come on!
And the whole sex thing, yes I sometimes use words like “raped”, yes I am going to draw attention to hot women in ultimate (in what I believe to be a respectful manner) and yes I like to tell offensive stories/jokes. Sorry, I really enjoy having that Y chromosome and I act like I have a pair. I try and keep it clean here but have any of you ever let yourselves laugh? I am having a kick ass time in my 20’s and securing a topnotch future in the process, not to mention entertaining some people in the process. I’m not going to be like this in 20 years (I hope?) but I will have the satisfaction that I did it right when I was young and I am not going to be a 40-something in a midlife crisis because I haven’t had any fun. Folks, it’s called age appropriate behavior. Enjoy life and don’t be a BUZZ KILL!! For help, watch more Family Guy and less Lifetime.
(I am probably barking up the wrong tree and I am going to get a lot of “Get used to it Match” but god, no wonder people make fun of our game and call it things like “fag-toss”. Not my words, so don’t give me that homophobic crap.)
Closing Thoughts
In any event, I loved Kaimana. I am not much of a camper because my dad drank and sucked at taking care of his sons, so I was a bit unprepared, but I had a great time none the less. I hope to return in 2009 with more friends than enemies, but we’ll have to wait and see. Thank you to the TD crew, you guys run a hell of tournament and I can see why the best in the world come all the way to your polo fields to rock out under the sun. Thank you to my team organizers (Pro and Ross) as well as our team mom (Becky), you gave me something I have wanted for a long time. Thank you to my Texas homies, you made this weekend unreal. Thanks Billings for being Billings. Thanks Hartwell for being a friend when you should have been one 3 years ago. Thank you to my teammates, you let a fat red head enjoy ultimate he can’t get in Connecticut. Thanks to anyone that laughs at my spittle and doesn’t toss too much shit at me when I unload it all over the place. And thank you for taking the time to read this, I am nothing without my audience.
Next stop Paganello?
just my thoughts
match diesel
15 comments:
Do you want your comments vegetarian or not?
way to show us what a cheetah looks like.
You are the most confused individual - it is shocking. Clearly you got nothing meaningful out of the hawaii experience. the island breezes are supposed to make you mellow out - not go off about people asking if you are a vegetarian!? insecure much? I agree about the name dropping comment too. What is your goal? Those guys all think you are a moron - you think they might let you play with them some day? I've been to Kaimana a few times and you do understand it is all run by volunteers and fellow ultimate players right? Who are you so angry at and WHY for the love of pete?? The same culture that lets you have complete freedom to be your douchebag self for 3 days is the same culture you attack? GROW UP.
Apparently Kaimana and PC Green-ness are sacred cows above all scrutiny or comedy or really any commentary at all.
And for those of you capping on the name-dropping, I dunno, it seems to me Match is just articulating exactly what so many are thinking when they run into some of the great players in the sport. God forbid he ruin his cool factor by sharing his enthusiasm with you.
I don't know you personally, Match, so I don't know if you're a prick in real life.... And frankly I don't give a rat's ass if you are. I enjoy your writing, even if you do occasionally offend me or if I laugh out loud sometimes at your man-crushes.
Keep it up.
match is doing a great job in his blog posts. any of you who think he is name dropping is only saying that cuz you have you fuckin clue whose these people are. he is helping immensely in bringing high quality information to people who want it. if you don't like his blog then go read rsd and listen to frank bitch. unless peter and ciao bella are actually his good friends and just giving him a hard time in that case you are cool, otherwise you can get off your high horse and learn how to have fun.
"Those guys all think you are a moron - you think they might let you play with them some day?"
Hahaha. So true. Match I usually enjoy your writing but you are a walking joke in the ultimate community. Especially among the elite players you mention so often
Couple of things
1) I don't write this for elite players, so I don't really care what they think. ESPN isn't for players, it's for fans and thats what I am. John Anderson doesn't care what Clemens thinks when they talk about his steroid case and Tom Jackson doesn't care what Brady thinks when he discusses his boot so why should I care what any of these guys think about my writing. The fact that they even know who I am is EXTREMELY flattering. And sorry I name drop but could Sportcenter run without mentioning any names? BORING! Like Rob told me, in order to have fans, you need superstars. I am sorry if I am drawing attention to people that play this game well, but I think it is interesting, sue me. I am also working on actually attending the best tournaments in the country so I can be more intelligent and objective about what I write. Anyone else working that hard for ZERO financial return?
2) This is my life: I am getting my PhD at Yale, I get to travel the world, play ultimate, and party with the coolest people ever. I get to write about something I love. People that matter like what I have to say. Everywhere I go I have friends. Chicks dig me. People translate my work into other languages. I have never played ultimate at an elite level nor will I and people like Ben Wiggins introduce themselves to me. Go ahead think I am a moron, I could not be happier with my life and I sincerely hope you are all equally satisfied with yours.
3) I am extremely objective. I never say anything without some kind of evidence to support it. Why do you think I use so many hyperlinks? Why do you think I work so meticulously on my wording? How many people track down the heads of every major team in the country so they can offer clear, credible and objective ultimate material? Why do you think I am going out of my way to fly to Austin to cover Centex, or drive 11 hours each way to Colombus to watch college nationals? I am sorry if you are so bad ass at frisbee you can't understand what it's like to just enjoy watching it, but IF YOU DON"T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, DON'T READ IT. If you want an alternative, try mssui.com. No wait, I write for them too.
4) I think personal attacks against me are hilarious. Have any of you that talk shit about me, ever even met me? If you talked to me and thought I was a jerk then fine, say it. Call me fat, call me slow, call me obnoxious. I have tons of flaws and will be the first to point them out. However for most of you, aside from this blog, none of you know anything about me. Spend 10 minutes with me and if you can't stand me, i'll buy you a drink. i have made one aggressive personal attack on this blog and I kind of regret it. Aside from that I poke fun and criticize when it is deserved or when I have evidence to support it. And I will ALWAYS admit when I am wrong.
5) This is a blog and it's MY blog. It is for personal expression and thats what I do. I am sorry that I don't see eye to eye with everyone but all I am trying to do is offer my personal experience so that people that aren't at Kaimana, or aren't at College Nationals, or aren't at UCPC, or aren't wherever can potentially enjoy a taste of what it was like to be there. At least from my perspective because thats all i got. I hate elitest bullshit and I will fight it every chance I get. Everyone deserves the chance to be informed about this sport and if you don't like the way I do it, show me a better way.
I don't understand why I get so much resistance. I just want to write about what's interesting.
match diesel
This is not a personal attack against you, Mr. Diesel. You can call it poking fun and criticism that is deserved and comes with evidence to support it (see point 4, above). I am not an elite player, just an amateur and a fan, of the sport and your blog.
You deserve to be heckled for this post. It reads at times like a conceited frat boy's memoirs (“if there was a crowd that could match my flare, my stories, my social exploits...”), at other times like a high school senior's yearbook write-up (“thank you to my Texas homies... Billings... Hartwell.... my teammates...”). That kind of self-aggrandizing and in-the-know, had-to-be-there, nudge-nudge, wink-wink writing is boring for most of your readers. You did say in point 1 that you write for the fans, not the elite players, right?
I'll admit I've only been reading your blog for a few months now, but the previous posts I've seen have been informative, relevant, interesting and entertaining. As a fan, this one did not live up to my expectations.
Perhaps you could have one blog where you cover ultimate, and one where you discuss how awesome you are?
But seriously, I appreciate that you go out of your way to cover events like the college nationals. I appreciate that you write this blog. I appreciate that chicks dig you. But with great power comes great responsibility. Instead of criticizing the organizers for asking if you wanted the vegetarian option, perhaps you should be thanking them for accommodating diverse tastes. You were spot on to call out other players for not pitching in and cleaning up after themselves, but getting angry over being asked to do it properly and not half-assed was off base.
Maybe you were still drunk when you made the entry? I look forward to better posts in the future.
I hope that everyone who called Match a douchebag, joke, etc. would do so in person if given the chance. I think in that situation you'd find that Match really isn't so bad after all.
What's really so bad about Match's rants anyway? If the food at Kaimana wasn't up to snuff, he does a service by getting on the horn and saying so. Maybe it will get the organizers of Kaimana to find better food with the money they have, or let everyone know that better food will require higher tourney fees. Or maybe everyone else loved the food, and Kaimana doesn't have to change a thing. Either way, you're coming to his blog to read HIS OPINION, and that's what you're going to get.
I think people need to know what they're getting into when they come here. They are going to get brash, opinionated, sometimes controversial comments about all things ultimate. Guess what. Compared to the real world, it's rather tame. If you have a specific problem with something he says, address it specifically. Don't come on here and say, "You're a douchebag," or "you are weird." And don't be surprised when the response is "you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine." The beauty of the internets is that if it's that important to you, you can start your own blog.
Oh and by the way, what Match (and Mssui, Rob, etc.) is doing for the sport is GREAT. People who play this sport want to know about other people who play this sport, especially the great ones. Last year, someone who wanted to know about the top teams in ultimate pretty much could only find out about them by going to the tournament. Now you don't have to leave your home. To me, that's a pretty cool thing.
Oh, and if someone sticks around and picks up trash, it's smart to say "Thank you" instead of "sort through it now". It's hard enough to get people to stick around and pick up their trash, but if you start telling people that's not good enough, you'll have an even harder time getting them to stick around. What TDs really should do is bring a bullhorn and remind people to pick up their trash. They shouldn't have to, but unfortunately, sometimes it takes a little peer pressure to get what you want.
Dear Match,
Judging from these comments, I think the people that read this blog also post on RSD a lot. It's obvious that the ultimate community continues to have no sense of humor and/or balls. I've got an Ace waiting for you when you come to Centex.
matty
Hey I think Matty is star-fuckering you Match.
I kind of suspect this Joe Blanda guy thinks he's an elite player, maybe we should be star-fuckering him?
Is star-fuckering what happens when you look Match eye to eye? Cause then I've star-fuckered him too.
ps. Sign me up for that Match awesomeness blog. Should be a quick read. Har har. Maybe just a list of people he's starfuckerized? And a picture of un-sorted trash.
Match,
Mars = Marce
Keep up the good blarging. Until Centex...
-Hottie
While we're at it...
Leetch = Leech
Beevers = Bevers
Yo Match,
Haters gonna hate. You wanna spark one anytime with me, wherever in the country I might be, you're more than welcome to.
Hh
Match, your posts are 100% quality. Ignore the haters. It's good to see you sticking up for yourself against some totally inane criticisms about what you write on YOUR OWN PERSONAL BLOG. Respek.
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